Day 1

The kids survived!!!  The first day is always a little rough.  Yesterday was no exception.  My garage door broke and my car was inside, so my kids had to all ride the bus.  That was fine except that the high school doesn't send a bus to our neighborhood.  We live within walking distance to the back of campus.  Anyway, his teacher offered to drive him home, saving me from borrowing a neighbor's car to go get him.  Also, the two in middle school came home a little "bruised".  They didn't find friends, yet.  #3 had a hard time getting her locker open, but amazingly, ASKED FOR HELP several times!!!  For her, this was major.  And when she didn't know where her bus was, her one male teacher helped her find it and walked her to it!!!  I was very proud of her.  That was a good first day.  #2, who had such a hard time last year came home and seemed okay, but was crying last night and this morning not wanting to go back.  My heart was breaking as I sent him off.  But, I walked them to the bus stop and his male hormones kicked in.  Not wanting the other middle school kids to see him teary-eyed, he perked up and acted fine.  So, I prayed and sent them on.  That was all I could do.  God will be with them.  I know that!!  And they have to learn to stand on their own two feet.  Besides, school does teach them responsibility and independence and all kids need that.  So, as much as I wanted to keep them home and hug them a little more I put them on the bus and felt relieved that they were, at least, putting on a good front for their friends.  

School

So, the kids return to school tomorrow.  Public school for the second year.  I was not sure I wanted to do that again.  It is easier than planning the year myself and taking complete responsibility for their education.  I am no longer so brave.  However, in some ways, I have to trust God more than I did when we home-schooled.  I have to pray more not knowing what they face or who they are with or what they are teaching them.  I hope it brings me closer to God.  Of course, as a Christian, I hope all circumstances bring me closer to God.  As I go to bed tonight, it is with prayers for their well-being.  I want them to be okay, happy, loved, and confident, but most of all, I want them to live their lives to let others see who God is.  I want for them to pass on their faith to others.  That is my deepest hope.  I want others to see a difference in my children.  I can only pray that happens.  For my kids:  "The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace."  

Stuff

My guy with Mrs. S

There is almost no way to explain the myriad of emotions that this one day has held for me.  I am over-stimulated, over-tired, over-wrought, and full of thoughts that I can't stop.  Today was my fifth-grader's graduation, the last day of of our first year of public school, the (last minute) meeting for my youngest (and third child to receive "services") to determine eligibility and sign his IEP.  I was already on an emotional roller-coaster leaving these people who have been in our lives for 9 months, then we finally got the test results back from #4  and that started a whole new journey.  I knew he was smart, had issues with getting his thought down, and was lagging in reading.  What I didn't know was that he is more than just "smart", but way behind in written expression.  Also, his reading although on grade level, is considered a gap because of his intelligence.  So, we start the rushed, souped-up version of an eligibility meeting and IEP in one.  There is only so much I can say about this, but just know that I am trying not to hash it over any more than is necessary. 

So we start the summer.  And more than ever before, I am faced with keeping them (and me) sane all day, keeping them focused on some chores (these have really fallen behind during the school year), and keeping them stimulated mentally.  So, let's see how we live up to that TALL ORDER!!

I am also taking deep breaths, thinking of bubble baths, naps and mostly trying to enjoy my time with them.   Sigh.......

Sad, but grateful

So, this is our first time to say "good-bye" to teachers - goodbye to those who have been such an integral part of our lives for 9 months.  I am very sad to think that these special people might exit our lives and we might never see them again.  I am very grateful to them for the year of teaching and caring and filling my kids lives and minds.  I feel huge amounts of gratitude for them and their love for their students and their craft.  I am in awe of them and their ability to do this year after year with small pay and little thanks.  

I remember when I would go back "home" and shop at this one store, I would sometimes see my first grade teacher "Mrs. Japp" (one of only two really GREAT teachers that I had) and I would love talking to her as an adult and remember that she liked me, was nice to me, and took an interest in me.  

Will it be like that for my kids?  Will they see their teachers one day and connect with them and remember what they did for them?  I hope so.  I hope that we see them around town.  I hope we can keep a little line of communication going.  I hope that those four really special people in our lives - for #1 - Ms. B, for #2 - many but especially Mrs. H, for #3 Mrs. V and for #4 Mrs. S - know how much they helped us, how much they inspired, and how much they encouraged them each to do their best, shine their brightest, and achieve what they could.  I love them for it!!!

And for next year, I look forward to meeting some other special people and getting the chance to get to know others.  I am only hoping that there are other teachers out there who care like these did and want to be a source of encouragement to my kids.  

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!  It can never be said enough.....

Next year

Middle school is a tough place to be these days.  The kids are mean to each other, the teachers are doing their best, some are doing better than others at inspiring the kids, helping them learn.  But it is a place where my child (#2) has not yet found "his place".  So I worry about his self-esteem, his view of his place in the world.  I worry that he won't recover easily from this horrid place he has to go to every day.  He is becoming more and more someone I don't know.  The kid who likes to talk has become someone who is scared of saying anything in front of other people.  

He is making it, though.  He is somehow surviving.  I see that he has a bright future despite what he is told about himself during school hours.  I try to convey that to him, but he is doubtful right now.  He needs to find his spot on the planet.  

I am not saying he is not "odd".  He likes Legos still.  He is in 7th grade and still wants to be a little boy.  He is innocent in some ways.  He is learning, though, sadly to be someone who might could be mean back.  

He doesn't want to believe me when I tell him what he truly IS.  I am just "dumb Mom", you know.  He doesn't want to give his best when everyone else is skating by.  He wants to shut down and curl up in a ball and "survive".  But I can see so much better for him.  I want him to see himself as God sees him.  He is a pretty wonderful kid and we have much to be thankful for.   

Next year, #2 and #3 will be in this environment.  They will both be subjected to the mean, vile side of youth.  The atmosphere in our house will likely change forever.  I have to remind them right now to be nice to each other.  What will it be like then?  I can only hope and pray........

Field Day

So Friday was field day.  Now field day when we were growing up was three-legged races, relays, "Red Rover", and other simple minimal games.  Field day nowadays has gone fancy - complete with blow-ups (otherwise called moonwalks, obstacles course and wind tunnels), chalk and face painting, jazz band from the high school, DJ and dancing, Karate instruction, oh yeah, and soccer, playground time, and other more simple activities.  

I had a good time, though.  I loved seeing my two younger kids interacting with their friends or just playing the games, watching them dance the little dances they had learned, and I enjoyed talking to the teachers and other staff.  It was fun to see the teachers having a good time, too.  

Being with my kids at school means I see a whole 'nother side to them.  I sometimes am in wonder of their adjustment to this world that I am basically not a part of.  They are interacting with kids they only met this year, but acting like they have grown up together. 

My girl's teacher had invited the parents and I am glad she did.  I had a good time and I felt that I was the one who got the education that day.  I learned a little more about the world of my kids.  

#3 is not a problem at school.  I always knew that but she is happy, going with the flow, staying out of the limelight and flying under the radar.  She has friends, but they are not "joined at the hip" like some girls her age.  She is not like at home when every negative thing has the potential to send her into orbit.  She more easily lets things go.  

#4 is finally VERY comfortable, and for him comfort is being a leader, bossing (sometimes), telling others what to do.  He is friends with his previous "archenemy".  He has backed off on the one friend who was his one and only friend exclusive friend in the beginning of the year.  He has branched out and integrated.  He still says he doesn't like school, but I have my doubts that this is really true.  I think he is enjoying it more than he lets on.   I see him having fun.  I think he has experienced some social success and is proud of that.  There have been so many "bumps" along the way for him and the journey is not over, but he is flying more smoothly.  

The school itself is a good place for them, right now.  I feel comfortable with my decision to send them to school.  At times, the "upkeep" (homework, studying, reading logs, etc.) seems more even than doing it all myself, but their experiences are more broad, more balanced with academics and friends.  We were very lonely before school.  We have integrated more into the community where we live, and that has been a good thing.  I know more people and feel more comfortable with living here.  So, this has made the move better, and after almost three years here, I am more at home.

My Girl

Best described by her brother as being a tiger:  Beautiful but dangerous!!!

Quite true, quite true.....

She is also:

• Fun and fun-loving
• selfish but giving when it is her idea (gifts are quite creative)
• creative sometimes in odd ways (could one day become a "found object" 3D artist)
• smart but hates academics (BUT loves writing her own cool little stories - just not much for the mechanics of writing and NO punctuation)
• girly but loves the outdoors (is studying the "Dangerous Boys" book section on how to make arrows and is succeeding quite well at making very sharp sticks - "OUCH!!!!")
• all about her friends and cousin, but likes being alone too
• loves anything "hands-on"
• late reader but LOVES book - Warrior series is her fave
• messy, scary messy room
• "fit-thrower" (unfortunately)
• likes to sleep
• quite good with younger children (when she wants to be)
• hates to travel

How my kids have changed

Since they have entered public school in August there have been many changes.  At first, I prayed that it wouldn't change them too much.  Especially #2.  He entered a completely hostile environment when he entered middle school.  I knew he would be teased and I knew he wouldn't be the most popular kid on campus, and the kids around him did not disappoint.  They have teased more often and more meanly than I thought was possible.  My husband assures me over and over that he endured the same stuff, but I am not so sure it was quite this bad.  The kids are so much more sexual in their teasing, so much more deviant.  They go out of their way to find the really gross stuff to tease about.  With that being said, #2 has been stressed.  So, along with the normal hormones that he has surging, he is not always the pleasant, helpful kid I knew 8 months ago.  In fact, at times he is just completely one of those "pain-in-the-butt" teenagers.  He still solicits hugs but won't do that in front of anyone from school.  He still likes to talk to me and his dad, but sometimes that is about things we don't want to hear.  Sometimes I have to brace myself for his conversations about what is going on.  I feel the "mama bear" coming on, wanting to rescue him, save him from these  horrible kids.  I ask him if he wants me to home school him next year but he feels that school is something he needs.  He is challenged there.  He is making good grades and experiencing success in that area.  He is well-liked by the teachers and enjoys pleasing them.  He likes the mental stimulation he receives.  So, I guess we take the good with the bad.  But he is inherently changing.  He is growing up.  It makes me a little sad.  For the other kids, the changes have been more subtle.  

#4 likes to do more things, now.  He is branching out, becoming more confident with his peers.  

#3 is more at home with her friends.  She is sometimes more motivated with her academics although this comes and goes.  Her behavior at school is good and she has learned to get along with those she doesn't like. She is also more anxious about her school.  

#1 is more confident, more self-assured.   With his changes came some independence.  When we go somewhere, he is quick to wander off and look at what he is interested in.  He doesn't as readily stay with the family.  He is still enjoying his elephant obsession, but since he has been in art at school, it has come out in his art.  He is more focused on getting his work done in the afternoon so he can play Wii or do K-Nex or just spend time by himself.  I see him doing things he never did before like noticing cars he likes and talking about stuff more.  He talks to me a lot when it is just him riding in the car in the morning.  He tells me about school, his teachers, his classmates, the things they like.  He tells me that he prays in his room that he will do good in school ("OOF" moments).  He, of course, obsesses about whether he is riding the bus or riding carpool that day, about being on time, about the clocks being set right, about what my schedule for the day is (he reads my calendar).  These things, don't bug me as much because he is not there all day to do this.  

Come to think of it, maybe I have changed as well.  I guess I don't mind the changes so much as long as they don't change their values, belief in God or behavior (too much).  I want them to "own" their faith and this won't happen if it isn't challenged in some ways.  I stress about being able to raise the kind of adults I want to "produce" with them in this environment, but I guess I have always had to leave that in God's hands.  Now is no different.  God made them, loves them more than me, and will be faithful to bring them through no matter how painful the days ahead.

  

My children

Now that my kids are at school all day, when they get home, I want to snap my fingers and begin enjoying them.  I have missed them, their chatter, their hugs, their activity.  As I have said before, if I am home, the house is too quiet and overly big.  If I am out, I feel alone, weird as if my limbs are not where they should be.  I have been alone before but not so much of it for.....oh, about 17 years.  

I remember when my first went to preschool, I had just had his younger brother.  I took naps with #2 sleeping next to me warm and cozy.  He was right with me almost all day.  When he slept alone (rarely), I was constantly checking on him.  Then I had #3 before Benjamin "came home" for good.  She was very fussy and having #2 also (a great baby, but very "into everything" toddler) made for a busy day.  Those three kept me busy and I remember changing diapers on the three of them until #3 was about 2 1/2.  So they were always with me and I was always busy.  I never lived near family (or not near enough to get babysitting help often) and there wasn't much money for sitters during the day.  The kids, slowly, as they grew up, became my companions.  They were always my life, they grew into this new thing.  I wasn't always nurturing, but I saw them as an extension of myself.  I didn't always do the right thing and was often overwhelmed, but they were my reason to keep going.  

Of course, somewhere in that story, #4 was born (2 1/2 years after #3).  He was the best baby, the most calm, the most fun (not my favorite - just the last one).  We all enjoyed him and he completed our family.  

I guess when I look back on the life I had versus what I have now, I am grateful that I had that kind of time with them.  I am thankful that I was able to give to them in a way that many can't.  I wouldn't take anything for the years we had together.  Now that they aren't with me so much, I miss them.  I took them for granted in a way.  I stressed the small stuff too much.  I worried about every little school thing and didn't just let learning happen like I should have.  I really look back on those early years and wish I had "enjoyed" them more.  I felt at the time, though that it was all about survival.  

Now, when they come home each day.  I am looking forward to it.  I am anxious for them to go outside with me, play ball together, take a walk on the trails that snake through our neighborhood.  But they aren't.  They are ready to chill with a book or video games.  They often have homework (especially the middle school child) and don't have time for me to "enjoy" them.  So, I find myself looking for other ways of enjoying them.  I enjoy their school stories, success, and getting reports or grades.  When the younger two want to do a craft (somewhat rare in these days) I remind myself to drop everything and comply.  Because the oldest and youngest want me to drive them home from school each day, I do it.  And they do talk to me more then than any other time.  When they want to be "visited" each night at bedtime, Kevin and I try to fit it in.  We are a little "scared" into cherishing our time a little bit more because they won't be around forever and they probably won't listen to us even that long (although I am hoping they will, by some miracle of nature, listen at least a little).  My kids, by some weird freak of nature, are not staying little forever.  They are growing up, changing and those diaper days did not last forever.  I still have two that aren't teens yet, but even my days with them are numbered. 

 "God, please help me to remember that and cherish the really great moments as well as some of the more mundane.  And thanks for all those years, though not always fabulous, they were memorable and they were spent with people you wanted in my life.  I know they taught me some things (and I am still learning), I pray that I taught them what you wanted me to teach them."  

Top Ten Things I Dislike About School

10. School smells and school germs

9.  Lots of crowd control (necessary, but still not my favorite thing)

8. Homework

7. Lots of little things that take time away from learning and don't help educate

6. Tasks that leave little room for a child's individuality

5. Kids that cause problems for the teachers and other kids (and their parents who don't care or try to do anything about it at home)

4. That school consumes the majority of the child's day and daylight hours, energy and drive to learn

3. Standardized testing - just too much of it!!!

2. IEP meetings (a big part of my school experience with one LD child and one child with PDD and I really, really dislike them)

1. The whole school experience is not conducive to an exceptional family/home life (basically boils down to not enough time with my kids to do what I feel called to do - share my faith, disciple them, go on outings, read to them, and countless other things)

Top Ten Things I Like About Our School

10. Creative projects done AT school

9. Art class

8. Music class

7. Recess - where kids play outside and get dirty

6. Administrators who smile at the children (and parents)

5. Education that is somewhat tailored to each child and their needs

4. Staff who are there to help, not to simply enforce rules

3. Teachers who see parents as a vital member of the education team ( for me - someone to share that responsibility with)

2.Teachers who are creative, skilled, and wise

1. Educators who are kind and loving

Cows at school

So here I am in an "all too quiet", too-big house, with a few minutes to stop before I start my part of the day.  My last child is dropped off at school, everyone delivered or bussed where they belong.  Nowadays, my life is no longer about them,  (except 3:00 pm to about 8:00 am), my life (during the day, at least) is about what I want to fill it with.  It is about prayer group, lunches with friends, getting my toenails done, having my eyebrows waxed, doing precious little laundry (just enough to keep going), NOT cleaning my house, Weight Watchers meetings, volunteering at a church ESL program, scrap-booking, and most of all, thinking about - you guessed it - MY KIDS!!!  I have this compulsive thought running through my head all the time..."What are they doing?" " Are they ok?"  (Even when I know they are.)  I hate to say it, but a lot of the stuff I am doing is to keep me busy and not thinking about them.  For 11 years, they were my life.  So much so, that I had very little time for haircuts, toenails, and friends.  But now I have time for me and I am afraid I am just not enjoying it like I should be.  

I do try to enjoy their new lives.  I enjoy that although my middle school child is not the top of the food chain socially, he is doing well in his academics.  I enjoy that although my 5th grader is struggling in some academic areas, she is enjoying her friends.  I enjoy that my child with PDD is making strides and finding a niche in others' lives outside of his family.  I enjoy that my youngest is finally in his groove (at least mostly).  I enjoy the good reports I hear from the teachers.  I try not to stress about the bad ones.  I am still very involved in their lives, thank God.  They still share with me their fears and hopes and struggles.  They still talk to me and when they talk, I am listening very hard for all the details.  

As far as enjoying my new life, my goal is to start some new projects.  I hope to scrapbook more, do some yard projects that are long overdue, and work some on decorating my house.  These are things I couldn't pursue before.  And, they will benefit my family too.  

Ok, so you are probably wondering about the title.  This is very random, but driving my oldest to school today, there were cows, right next to the school.  They were four young cows quietly grazing on the side of the road that the carpool parents and buses take into the school parking lot.  Bizarre!!  But fun, too.  I wanted to go back and take pictures.  For some reason, I like cows.  They seems sweet, docile and mild.  I am sure I would NOT like them up close, but in my car and them on the side of the road by the school, they added a little to my day.  They gave me a little lagniappe!!!  Thank you, God for the cows.....

A Place In-Between

So here I am between home-schoolers and public schoolers...I have been a home-schooler for 11 years but my kids are now in public schools. I feel like I don't belong in a way. I have a home-schooler's heart and love the lifestyle but became tired of the teaching and really tired having no one to share the awesome responsibility of educating my four children.

So when I am with home-schoolers, I feel a bit left out, a bit overlooked. "You are not one of us anymore" - although no one says that, that is what I feel. I also feel compelled to defend my rights to place my children in school and tell people how well they are doing.

On the other hand, when I am with public school parents, they don't "get" me. They always want to know first why I quit home-schooling, and then why I started home-schooling in the first place. I truly don't mind talking through all of this with them and love to explain myself, but we just don't "fit". At least not yet. I am moving on, though and trying to get over my "past". I say that as if I have some kind of skeletons in my closet. My skelelton is that I home-educated my children!! Ok, so that makes me not your "run of the mill" person, but those who know me knew that already.

To my really great friends - those who accept me for who I am, they know my past and present, and will be with me in my future as well. To those friends, I salute you!!! You know who you are.